A clearly overjoyed Boris Johnson greeted Covid-19 as an old friend last night, after news broke that he had been instructed by NHS Test and Trace to self-isolate once more.
In a stunning repeat of the events of the spring which deposited the Prime Minister in intensive care, Johnson was again condemned to life away from the challenges of work for a seven day period.
“Oh, crikey! This is tremendous news! By which I mean, a sombre reminder of the constant threat posed to us all by the coronavirus,” said Johnson in a statement this morning. “I am in no way absolutely delighted, rum-tum-tuggered and splendiferously enraptured at the prospect. I think it was Horace in his Odes who stated solemnly, ‘celebratum felix tempus’, which roughly translates to ‘celebrate good times’, and this is exactly what I am not doing in this time of national crisis.”
“I feel unutterably downcast to be out of the firing line in this crunch week for Brexit negotiations and Covid planning, especially after the shameful internal battles of the past few days,” continued Boris, grinning broadly and punctuating his speech with fist pumps. “Alackaday! Alas! Alack again! I’m salivating at the thought. I mean weeping! Weeping!”
“Just imagine: seven days with no Dominic Cummings, no Chris Whitty, and no Michel Barnier,” said Mr Johnson, sighing and sinking into an armchair. “Sweet bliss! Er, I mean…how horrid and dreadful and abysmally miserable.”
At press time, loud snores could be heard emanating from the PM’s home office.