“Luke, I am your father’s gay lover” – A thank you to unsung Editors everywhere


Throughout the history of the written word, there has been much editing and much finessing. Novelists and scriptwriters sometimes bollocks it right up the first time, and it is only because of unsung editorial heroes wringing the absolute best out of what is dumped before them, that we have some of the greatest lines and memorable quotes. Some of what follows are the original words to lines before editorial teams rescued them and elevated them to what we acknowledge and appreciate today. Some are the finessed product of editorial perspiration and time. Can you tell which is which?

“Nice suit. Asda, Farnborough. I have two myself. I hear Arafat gets his there”

“We’re going to need a bigger planet”

From The Sound Of Musical Zombies:
“Hnnnnnrgh, a deer, a female deer,
Hnnnnnrgh,a drop of golden sun,
Hnnnnnrgh, a name, I call myself,
Hnnnnnrgh, a long, long way to run”
(The Hnnnnnrgh must be delivered in a loud, flat, unwavering monotone for best effect)

“It was a bright cold day in November and Mr Cummings made sure the clocks were striking thirteen”

“Five hundred years of peace, democracy and brotherly love and what did that produce – an awful lot of numbered bank accounts!”

“It was the best of years, the worst of years. Bollocks it was 2020, forget I mentioned the best of years”

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a quickie”

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of Vauxhall Nova with a Protec body kit”

“I’m as mad as hell and I’m going to wear a mask and stay in like the government says”

“Keep your friends close, but no closer than 2m”

“2B or not 2B…the numbering on these apartments is so confusing”

“It was a bright cold day at the Innumeracy Institute, and the clocks were striking thirteen”

“You don’t get to 500 million enemies without making a few friends”
– The Trump Network

“In space no one can eat ice cream”

“I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am”
– Boris Johnson looking back in 2030

“Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here ! THis is the War Room !”
– Boris and Cummings

“Of all the gin joints in all the towns in the world, she walks into mine. Sorry we’re closed. Lockdown”

“I’m going to make the EU an offer they can’t refuse”
– Boris

Brando regrets turning down soap opera role:
“I coulda had class. I coulda been an Eastender”.

“Tomorrow is another day!”
“Frankly my dear it’ll still be raining!”

“Good night sweet prince and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest – the ambulances are all queuing around the car park!”

“If you are looking for a donation, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let me walk past you now, that’ll be the end of it”

“Luke. I am your father’s gay lover”

“I’ll be back…after I’ve paid for my parking, and driven round the one way system again”

“Every time a bell rings, a blood pressure monitor records an increase”

“Mrs Robinson. You’re a bit of a MILF, aren’t you?”

“Play it Sam. Play ‘Ace of Spades’ ”

“We’ll always have Weston-super-Mare”

“Badgers. Why’d it have to be badgers?”

“A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some potato waffles and a nice Lambrini”

“You want answers?”…”I think I’m entitled.”…”You want answers?”…”I want the truth!”…”You’re too short to play Jack Reacher”

“I will look for you, I will find you, and I will get you for mis-selling me PPI”

“Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Wigan anymore”

“May the Force be with you. Now check the mirror, and press the accelerator gently”

“I love the smell of nappies in the morning”

“A gimp mask means never being able to say you’re sorry”

“Bond. Basildon Bond”

“I’ll have what she’s having. Period.”

“Houston, we have a problem. You forgot to pack the bottle opener”

“One ring to rule them all,
One ring to find them,
One ring to bring them all,
Said the Bishop lifting his cassock”

“Stately, plump Boris Johnson came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed, and wondered where the fuck Dom was going with that cardboard box”

English local newspapers’ reporting of the French Revolution:
“It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times”

“But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
-It is the east, but I can’t see the sun for the smog”

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Being bipolar was a bitch in those days”

“In the beginning was Word. Then came Apple’s iWork junk”
– Bill Gates


Hat tips: rogerg, FlashArry, throngsman, deceangli, Myke, Not Amused, Terry Bunn, Doctor Chutney, camz, Sinnick, Al OPecia, oshaughnessy, Titus, Al OPecia, sydalg

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Posted: Nov 17th, 2020 by

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