Prime minister Carrie Symonds has filled the advisory vacuum left by the voluntary dismissals of Dominic Cummings and Lee Cain by hiring TV astrologer, Mystic Meg.
“My Boris isn’t a great forecaster and can’t see a predicament approaching unless it’s got it’s tits out.” Explained the PM. “I’m running the show on my own at the minute, as Boris is grounded without his phone, for sending soppy apologies and beating-heart emojis to Dominic.
“I’ve had enough of Oxbridge Bullingdon spads, I need someone with a finger on the pulse of future events, not a pig’s carotid. If I’m to lead this nation through a pandemic, economic collapse, and Brexit; I need an astrologer. I need Mystic Meg.
“Meg always knows what’s just around the corner. Yesterday, she predicted: ‘Carrie, you will make a huge decision to employ a certain wise lady from Accrington that has helped to guide you through life, whether on TV, or via The Sun newspaper’, and here I am today, actioning that prophecy.”
Number 10 have indicated Meg will take over the Track and Trace program, using her crystal ball to locate people at risk more efficiently than a £1.2bn white elephant app. But, her first brief as official astrologer was to give Ms Symonds a morning tarot reading.
Carrie recounted: “Meg foretold that I would inherit a farm with a field with many gates, but before I close my gates on New Year’s Eve, the big blond scarecrow in my field was going to reach into his pants and scatter seeds far and wide in other farmer’s fields.