In the wake of news that the boss of Track and Trace, Dido Harding, has been ordered by her own app to ‘self-isolate’, comes the reassurance that the program central to regulating coronavirus transmission will now be run by a matrix sign on the M62, near Oldham.
A colleague of the Baroness, said:
“Being fired by her own app would be monumentally embarrassing for Dido, if she had any self-awareness”. The change of stewardship by the app comes after £1.2 billion of public funds injected into the Track and Trace program has been widely perceived as being squandered.
The matrix sign, named Martin, explained: “Of course I’m flattered to be offered the position. I certainly expect to be able to contact more people than the previous incumbent, and I’ll work significantly longer hours for a fraction of the cost.
“Any alerts I receive will be displayed on smart motorway signs in the local area of the person needing to isolate. As everyone has taken the new lockdown to mean resume normal activity, there’s a 90% chance of contact being traced.
“It certainly beats telling drivers to take a break if they’re tired, or how long it will take to reach a junction they’re not going to use. Mostly, I pass the time mining Bitcoin. The sign then became distracted by having to display a big red cross for the closure of a lane due to a tyre blow-out
What seems unusual, yet typical, is that a new motorway sign should be taking over the running of the nation’s contact-tracing capability, six months from being switched on and with no qualifications or experience.
Martin responded: “Well, I probably shouldn’t say this, but Tracky and I were compiled at Eton and Oxford, so…”