‘Why the long face?’ is a question that may soon be relegated to the past thanks to the release of the incredible Gregg Wallace fixed-grin device. Fitting neatly and invisibly into the corners of the mouth ‘The Wallace’ claims to turn all frowns upside down in a nano-second. Anger management specialists and medical practitioners are hailing the device as an amazing alternative to anti-depressants and expensive courses of therapy.
‘Valium, librium and mogadon once seemed to provide the perfect answer to stress,’ said Dr Hilda Radcliffe from her Harley Street clinic, ‘but The Wallace comes without any of the typical side-affects, such as altering the chemistry of the brain and turning people into vegetables. However, it is not without its problems and patients do need to take care where and when they wear it.’
This comment is backed up by reports from the metropolitan police of an increase in violence in London, especially on the morning commute. A spokesman for the Met has described incidents where tube passengers sitting opposite someone with a grin on their face at 7 a.m. in the morning have resorted to violence. Similar spats in supermarket queues and professional kitchens have also been reported with A&E departments performing emergency tracheotomy procedures to retrieve the device from the back of people’s throats.
After purchasing a Wallace from his local chemist, Steven Howard, 35 a married father of three, explained how he woke up in hospital after slipping it into his mouth just as his mother-in-law stepped through the front door.
‘She just lost it,’ he said. ‘One minute I was giving her the brightest smile I’ve ever given her and the next thing I was floored. When I passed the device this morning the nurse said it was the happiest sphincter she’d ever seen. If I ever meet Greg Wallace I’d love to shove it up his arse without any salad dressing and give him a taste of his own medicine.’