Boris Johnson has said that he does not think Priti Patel is a bully and that he has full confidence in her, while sporting fresh Chinese burns on both arms and a wedgie.
The Prime Minister made the statement backing his Home Secretary, who was casually leaning against a wall holding a staple gun while he spoke, following an inquiry that found she had broken the ministerial code.
“I have spoken extensively to Priti Patel and she assured me during a face to face meeting that she never intended to hurt anybody’s feelings when she shouted at them, swore at them, or made them eat ants.” explained Boris.
“Well, face to face might not be the best description, as I was actually in a headlock for much of the meeting, but we were in the same room for the discussions and I’m confident her behaviour was absolutely fine and in line with somebody who just wants to do the best job possible for the country.”
Mr Johnson concluded his statement by standing on a chair and shouting “I’m a big, fat, stupid bender and I smell like wee” at the top of his voice, to which Ms Patel nodded approvingly.