Government sources have confirmed that the extra Bank Holiday in 2022, to celebrate Queen Elizabeth’s 70 years on the throne, can only go ahead if the Monarch is still breathing at the time. “She could be gaga or comatose but must definitely have a pulse. Otherwise the four day extravaganza is off and you can all go back to work. If you’ve got work to go to that is.”
Bunting seller and ardent Royalist, Harry Deans, says we can rely on the Queen not to let us down. “She has served this country well for so long, she won’t want to deprive millions of her subjects from a good old knees up. If it comes to it just prop her up on the balcony and wave an arm once or twice. There’s more than just street parties at stake here. I’ve already started printing mugs, t-shirts and egg cosies.”
Not everyone, however, shares those sentiments. Republican, Hattie Watson, says to allocate an extra day off just because some highly privileged pensioner has lorded it over the rest of us plebs for seven decades is obscene. “Days off should honour those more far more worthy.” she said. “Let’s have a Saint Marcus Day, when meals can be handed out to needy children.”
Thus far there has been no official comment from Buckingham Palace, but sources tell us the Monarch is on board with the idea. Having been notified of the Government’s plans Her Majesty is said to be enjoying a regular fitness programme, watching Joe Wicks, taking vitamin supplements and avoiding any car journeys where the Duke is driving.
We have also heard very little from the major banks, who clearly benefit most from these holidays. Although as one employee told us, “It won’t make a huge difference to us whether the old girl makes it or not. We’re hardly open at all now anyway.”