Britain’s savvy kids have topped their Christmas wish-lists this year by asking Santa for six-figure Covid-related government handouts. Usually, the Christmas best-sellers are games consoles, bikes, phones, or Bitcoin. 2020’s children, being forced to be news-aware, want a gift that keeps on giving.
Santa commented: “It’s all about the PPE startup, I’ve spent the last three months down at Companies House registering all the paperwork. Most of it’s in crayon and that’s just official Cabinet requests.
Santa then delved into his pocket and revealed a typical sample of the letters he’d received; one note read: ‘Dear Santa, can I have a public limited company that only costs one hundred pounds but will be worth millions in the morning, pleeeease?
Another letter read: ‘Santa! Don’t bring me a Thomas the Tank Engine! I want a Tory Gravy Train!’ Another: ‘A Covid vaccine distribution contract, and lots of lots of sweets, please.’
Others had loftier ambitions: ‘Hello Santa, I’ve been sooooo good. Please, please, please make me the big chief minister in charge of yummy chocolate and medical-grade PPE procurement.’
Others, entered into the generosity of the Christmas spirit: ‘Dear Santa Claus, I don’t want anything, thank you! But would you give my mummy a disproportionately funded public relations consultancy, to fill in the time between Loose Women and when I get home from school, one afternoon per month please, because she is the best.’
Usually the preserve of entitled public school children, ludicrous government handouts are now filtering down the food chain, alongside lordships and enormous ears. So, despite not being able to use a knife and fork, or participate in education, it seems Covid-weary kids are being taught the life-skill of carving-up Treasury cash. Don’t forget to leave a brown envelope out for Santa.