Rees-Mogg says Oxford vaccine is far too posh for beastly northerners

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Leader of the House and CEO of the UK’s largest recliner manufacturer, Jacob Rees-Mogg, is calling into question the wisdom of injecting the contemptible lower orders with a dose of Her Majesty’s Oxford vaccinatory vapours. The purpose of this nefarious enterprise is to enable them to fend off this most perilous of plagues.

At over three shillings each, the vaccines, he believes, will have an enormous drain on the public purse when the entire point of the idling classes is that they willingly die in their droves. This is part of their God-given duty to develop ye olde herd immunity and thus protect their social superiors from any form of infectious inconvenience.

While perambulating about his constituency at a cheery pace, the Honourable member opined thus: “Tis a most distasteful notion that the likes of chambermaids, farm labourers and erstwhile exponents of the pianoforte, who happily dwell in their dark satanic hovels in a state of unparalleled drunkenness, should have the same chance of survival as an English gentleman educated at Eton College.

It would be far more fitting for the great unwashed to be injected with some sort of Barnsley vaccine, guaranteed to be at least 5% effective against fresh fruit, and all profits made thereof will naturally benefit the considerable coffers of my burgeoning hedge fund.”

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Posted: Nov 24th, 2020 by

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