If you’re a parent with young children visiting a shopping mall this Christmas you’re likely to be cajoled into seeing Santa in his grotto. Below is a list of 10 conformities you will be expected to embrace if your Santa is Dominic Cummings:
1. Do not insult Santa by referring to his sustainable yurt as a Grotto. It is Santa’s Bubble Of Altruism, and you are privileged just to gaze upon it.
2. Your child will not visit Santa. Your child will engage in a Yule Consultation. Only £1000 per unit child, in advance. Eye contact extra.
3. All members of the public must socially-distance four metres from Santa at all times. This is not a covid requirement.
4. Traditional uniform is the enemy of a freethinking Santa, and only reinforces a redundant corporate stereotype. Santa will wear a beanie, gilet and joggers, all held together by a bulldog clip. None of which will be red.
5. Santa’s elves are actual elves and will converse with Santa in Elvish. Do not attempt to join in, you are not clever enough to understand. You may think you are; but you are not.
6. Santa may interact with your child in a short Q and A, asking, for example: ‘How have you contributed to national prosperity this year?’, or ‘What’s your endgame, moving forward?’. Ensure your child responds with thought-provoking comments. Turgid or generic responses will be grounds for ejection. Without refund.
7. Focused meditative mind-breaks may be taken at any time by Santa. Failure to observe Santa’s Silent Time will be met with a barrage of profanity. It will be entirely your fault, so stop crying.
8. Children making it thus far in the process will watch a short instructional video by Dominic Cummings on how to become gifted from birth. If your child needs to use a notepad maybe they shouldn’t be there in the first place.
9. Before receiving a present, your child will participate in a focus group for the purpose of expressing their gratitude to how intellectually stimulating they thought Santa was. No exceptions.
10. Santa will reward your child with a certified advance copy of Dominic Cummings’ first autobiography: ‘Got Doing Done!’, when available in print.
11. “What! An eleventh rule? There was only supposed to be 10!” Pathetic! Your small-mindedness is like sandpaper to Santa’s soul. You are obstructing your child’s cognitive expansion with your rigid conformity to arbitrary restrictions. Do what any good parent would do and take your child to the back of the queue to repeat this journey until it sinks in, lest it ends up like you. Yo f*cking ho!