In an effort to save the roll-out of a ‘world-beating’ corona-virus vaccine program threatened by a lack of qualified healthcare professionals, Russia is re-deploying secret-agents to make up the short-fall.
“Originally our reputation as champions of humanitarian causes didn’t translate into the demand for vaccinations we expected. Until the intervention of the KGB, the population was bewilderingly reluctant to subject themselves to State-sponsored mass injections. But, now we’re a victim of our own success,” laughed Rosa Klebb, Chief of the newly-made ‘Directorate of Not Killing People’.
“Serendipitously, these same…er…public sector workers are highly-trained and have a set of transferable skills ideally suited to their new role as community vaccinators” said
“For a single dose, after a period of covert tracking, we’ll either sneak up and inject the vaccine from behind with a vaccine-tipped umbrella, or put it in their tea or Widow’s Kiss cocktail when they’re not looking, leaving what’s left in a park bench to inoculate an unsuspecting child, amorous couple or police-officer.
“Alternatively we apply it to the door-knob of their front door, or sneak it in pellet-form under their car-seat.
“In a case where two doses are needed, we use two agents running up from either side, each opening a briefcase full of pressurised vaccine spray while the victim…er, I mean patient…is distracted.
“Our agents also have excellent bedside manner, able to put people at ease regaling them with stories of their travels to Salisbury cathedral, or else with nerve-gas.
“Yes, yes, as you imagine we do occasionally confuse the vaccine with novachok, with hilarious results. This is regrettable but will save time later during the forthcoming ‘purge’.”