The British public have been disappointed to discover that their A level results may not be good enough to qualify for a Covid vaccine. In fact, most UK citizens will barely have enough UCAS points to get a Fresher’s bag, filled with a bottle of Lucozade, a pot noodle and a single condom.
Pushy middle-class parents are said to favour the Oxford vaccine over the Luton Polytechnic vaccine. The Luton version has 100% success rate but has zero chance of leading to a job in the city.
Said one student: ‘I got three A’s, which meant I could qualify for medical school, but I failed to get through the Oxford University entrance exam. So, I’m good enough to invent a vaccine for Coronavirus but not good enough to get it’. Countered an Eton graduate: ‘I only got GCSE Metalwork, but papa is on the board of trustees. So, not only did I get a place at Oxford, a champagne bottle full of vaccine but, in four years’ time, I get to be Chancellor of the Exchequer.’
One interesting development is that Oxford are guaranteed to win this year’s boat race, as the Cambridge team will all be on ventilators. Meanwhile Oxford Brookes denied trying to peddle a knock-off version of the vaccine, said their head of admissions: ‘We are not part of Oxford University, but we are technically in Oxford. Therefore, this test-tube filled with urine may not be a vaccine but it is technically vaccine coloured’.