The world’s most humourless walking pumpkin, Donald Trump, has finally recognised he needs to officially lose not only the US election, but also a few pounds of blubber from his waist and most other areas of his anatomy.
White House aides have been quick to point out that although his weight has ballooned to a haemorrhoid crushing 29 stones, this is the fault of the tech giants and the demands of their ruthlessly efficient AI software that incessantly asks users to ‘accept all cookies.’
Ten delivery trucks a day have been arriving loaded with Oreo’s, Jaffa cakes with special extra orangey orange bits and Maryland cookies.
A soon to be sacked spokesperson explained: ‘The president’s weight ballooned by eleven stone and he was struggling to lift his arms to point at people or issue delusional directives. That’s why we’ve been telling him to ignore stuff like the virus, global terrorism and famine and get out there on the golf course. After a stiff regime of meditation, squirt ketchup and chamomile tea he now averages 3795 shots a hole, which is an even better ratio than when he was dating Stormy.’