Prime Minister Boris Johnson has announced that he may be close to to a cure for poorly thought out COVID-19 analogies, after nearly nine months of metaphors, implausible comparisons and public schoolly personalisation of the deadly coronavirus.
The news will come as a relief, following fears that the analogy had mutated from a tiresome mugger that needed to be wrestled to the ground in March, to a deadly beast that needs restraining in November. The levels of ridiculousness of analogies – the crucial R number – has also risen in recent weeks, with the Deputy Chief Medical Officer Jonathan Van Tam also succumbing to stretched analogies in recent TV appearances (JVT on the JVC).
‘The toot of the bugle of the scientific cavalry is coming over the brow of the hill to help me get these comparisons under control’, confirmed Johnson. ‘It’s a bit like a penalty shoot out. My stretched analogy steps up and scores low to the left, David Coleman shouts 1-0, and I’ve got to step up and slot it home. But the head boy is coming in now and telling us to keep the noise down or we’ll be fagging for the rest of the term and no warm milk from Matron’.
‘The train is now coming into the station on a wet and windy evening’, continued Johnson. ‘Its not London Paddington though, its more like platform 2 at Slough before it was upgraded, no refreshments, no toilets, pigeon crap everywhere. ‘I’m confident now that someone will take my analogies onto the train and flush them out of the toilet on to the track between Peterborough and Newark Northgate’.
Members of the public were remain confused, however. ‘He’s using both hands to pull out some arrows from his epidemiological quiver, whilst simultaneously making a home run, a slam dunk, firing a shot into the net, with his foot is on the throat of the virus.’, noted one sceptical observer. ‘And all this from a man who doesn’t know his arse from his elbow’.