Last night’s Premier League fixture between Manchester United and Crystal Palace was abandoned after it turned out that neither team had brought a football with them.
“We’re very upset”, Palace manager Neil Warnock stated, “because last season we took our own ball to Old Trafford and they promised they would bring the ball next time.”
At a hastily convened press conference Manchester United manager, Louis van Gaal, responded to the allegations that his team had promised to bring the ball, by telling assembled journalists, “No we didn’t”.
“Yes, you did”, Warnock retorted.
“No, we didn’t”, insisted van Gaal,
“Yes, you did”, Warnock replied.
“No. We didn’t… a million times more than you can ever say we did”, clarified van Gaal.
Warnock and van Gaal continued to argue the mathematical feasibility of multiplying infinity by one million, until the heated debate was finally brought to an end by Palace’s Assistant Manager, Keith Millen, intervening with a skilfully deployed and perfectly timed, “and no returns!”
Despite the lack of pitch action the physios were still called for after both goalkeepers sustained multiple chinese-burns and dead-legs from their team mates when they were caught in one of the dugouts showing each other their genitals.
Disappointingly, a small number of badly behaved players also had to be suspended by the referee for running instead of walking in the tunnel, and for pushing to the front to be first on the coach to get the back seat. The referee was later found with his trousers round his ankles and his head flushed down the toilet.
However, this morning the Manchester United press office handed out a statement; “Although the team very much enjoys playing with Crystal Palace, it should be clear that they live in a very rough part of London so it’s not really safe for us to bring our ball with us especially as it cost nearly £30 and actually it was a gift and we’re not allowed to get it scratched or dirty. Sorry.”
Players from both teams were later seen at nearby Brickfields Meadow throwing stones at the ducks.
bonjonelson (with hat tips to Spartacus, Adrian J, Crayon and many others cheering on from the stands)