Squiffy haired pus machine and Prime Minister of the Twilight Zone, Boris Johnson has stopped the world as we know it coming to an end. Somehow, he has managed to achieve the impossible by applying his bumbling, inept genius to the greatest pre-apocalyptic threat to humanity.
The Prime Minister came up with his smart meter idea after spending his day off sampling mood-enhancing substances and throwing Dominic Cummings’ old ‘Outside the Box’ notebooks onto a fire. On one of the ripped out pages was a drawing of Mount Snowdon with a smart meter strapped to the side.
“We all know Snowdon is the worlds most downmarket mountain with only a 5G mast on the summit and a Nando’s to liven it up,’ explained the Prime Minister. ‘So there’s plenty of room for a massive smart meter on the side which will help prevent our Northern chappies basking in temperatures of 70 degrees all year round. It’s been scientifically proven they’re only designed for a lifetime of toil under a grey, gloomy, permanent state of drizzle. Unless we stop it now, we risk a peasants revolt.
The giant smart meter is an absolute snip at £400bn, which is around half of the green deal. As it’s roughly the size of the Empire State Building, it should be enough to spin climate change into complete reverse. Honest. A scientist says so. Which one? Well obviously I can’t reveal my sources, but his name is Mr Whitty, and he’s into Kraftwerk and Zen.’