Tesco has announced plans for customers to fight to the death in special arenas in exchange for significant discounts.
‘We got the idea from Black Friday,’ said a spokesman. ‘At first we were appalled by the scuffles and violence, but then one of our executives brought in a DVD of Ridley Scott’s ‘Gladiator’ and we realised we were missing a great business opportunity. People who want cheap TVs can fight to the death, dressed as gladiators, while everybody else pays a small fee to watch.’
‘We’ve applied for planning permission for twenty state of the art out-of-town amphitheatres in Areas of Outstanding Natural Beauty. Doesn’t need to be AONBs, naturally, we just love winding up the tree huggers. We’re in discussion with the BBC for the screening rights. Apparently they’re looking for something to fill a gap in the schedules when The Apprentice ends.’
‘It’s the future of retail – you’d never get this on Amazon,’ the spokesman added. ‘It’s great to take the fight back to the online stores. Literally.’