The collapse of Sir Philip Green’s retail empire has left the affordable courtroom smartwear market in tatters. High street regulars who trundle tartan shopping trolleys in front of them at speeds of up to six tiles per hour, were deeply saddened to hear that Top Shop had gone for a burton, and Burton was no longer a top shop.
Burton, cleverly designed so as not to be noticed on the high street, had long-provided an essential service to consumers ordered to attend court the following day. Defendants too ashamed to be seen plucking their first and only £19.99 wear-once suit off a clanky rail from the ‘Appearance’ range, had always relied upon Burton as a place where they would encounter no one but a forlorn sales attendant. With Burton stores gone, cheap solicitors fear that courtroom fashion standards could plummet into onesiewear.
The liquidation of Arcadia Group, the night before a law change which sees HMRC moved to the front of the insolvencies creditor queue, has been described as ‘not suspicious in any way’ by shifty spivs twizzling their moustaches.