Government restricts Brussels Sprouts to Tier 1


The government have offered an incentive to the British public to reduce coronavirus transmission, by only allowing Tier 1 regions to enjoy Brussels Sprouts this Christmas.

A junior government minister elaborated: “A national shortage of Brussels Sprouts has developed. We, the government, have therefore purposefully withheld stocks this year to Tiers 2 and 3, but will allow full supply to Tier 1.

“This is a ‘carrot and stick’ policy, where the sprout is both carrot and stick. High transmission areas need to follow government guidance, stop partying, and control the spread of the virus. Otherwise, there’ll be no carrot or stick on their Christmas dinner plate, just sprouts.

“From midnight tonight in Tiers 2 and 3, Brussels Sprouts will be categorised as Class A contraband. Anyone caught in possession, or suspected of intent to supply ‘Devil’s Donuts’, ‘Kermit’s Klackers’, or ‘Dante’s Dangleberries’, will be fast-tracked to a custodial sentence”, added the minister.

Critics have called the exercise borderline xenophobic. They’ve stated that the 75% of Britain’s Christmas dinner-eating population who abhor sprouts would feel alienated and marginalised if they are unable to exercise their traditional right to refuse the balls of green mush.

The matter is not an ‘oven-ready’ solution for the government and if over-cooked could fall apart before serving. However, the real problem lies in that they have yet to strike a Continuity Trade Agreement with Yorkshire. It would be a foolhardy regime indeed that denied its populace not only sprouts but Yorkshire puddings too.


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Posted: Dec 2nd, 2020 by

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