Supermarket chain Sainsbury’s have revealed that they have developed a specially-made 2-metre long cracker to help revellers socially distance this Christmas. Chief Executive Simon Roberts welcomed news of the relaxation of Covid restrictions and said that the new cracker design would help customers stay safe over the festive period.
‘This Christmas isn’t going to be normal for anyone’ said Roberts. ‘But there are certain traditions we can’t do without. Now, thanks to our new cracker design, Sainsbury’s customers don’t have to risk their health to have a good time.
‘We’ve introduced a few modifications to the traditional cracker. For instance, it won’t contain the usual items – like a tiny set of playing cards, a miniature magnifying glass or that little plastic fish thing that curls up in your hand if you’re cheating on your spouse.
‘Instead, the winner will get a facemask, a syringe and a paper hat with a picture of a stern-looking Sir Patrick Vallance on it saying, ‘Hands Face Space’.
‘All the jokes will be Covid-related – ‘Why did the chicken cross the road? To observe correct social distancing measures’, that kind of thing.
‘We’re encouraging customers to donate their used crackers to a homeless charity. The large cardboard centre makes an excellent shelter and I’m sure the syringe won’t go to waste when the vaccine comes along. It’s a complete ‘win-win’, plus they’ll be excellent for twatting Grandad on the head when he starts going on about bloody Brexit again. What’s not to like?’