Cher rescues Competition and Markets Authority


After her success in helping to save Kaavan the solitary elephant suffering in Marghazar Zoo in Pakistan, well-preserved pop-star, Cher, detoured to the UK to embark on another similar rescue project.

The Competition and Markets Authority is the government department responsible for promoting competition for the benefit of consumers. It was only since it began to operate independently from the EU that some unusual behaviour was noticed.

At 11:45 on Thursday, the CMA’s central computer displayed a message to operators suggesting there was a problem. The message was swiftly followed by: ‘We know’, followed by ‘We know we know’, and ‘We know we know we know’ then ‘We know we know we know we know’, rapidly sending the program into a loop it has since been unable to escape from.

Government digichologists suggest the CMA algorithm calculated it was the only authority qualified to rule on matters of monopolies within business and, in the interest of fairness, referred itself to itself.

By the CMA referring the CMA to the CMA, simultaneously accepting and rejecting its own referral, the algorithm experienced death and rebirth on an exponentially diminishing quantum level, culminating in a singularity of self-awareness. It was at this point Cher stepped in.

Buoyed by her endeavours relocating Kaavan to Cambodia, Cher tried to arrange for the CMA to be reconnected to the EU, to renew friendships, and possibly mate, with its equivalent European departments. So far, Cher’s efforts have been frustrated by obstructive Whitehall mandarins and thwarted by the impeding bureaucracy of the Withdrawal Agreement.

A tired and confused Cher commented: “If I could turn back time, I would have jumped on a plane from Cambodia straight back to f*cking LA.”


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Posted: Dec 5th, 2020 by

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