Unmarried middle-aged uncle won’t be putting kisses on cards this Christmas

'Santa doesn't exist, by the way. He's just me'

Unmarried uncle of four, Derek Johnson, has decided not to put kisses on the Christmas card he is sending to his nephews and nieces this year.

‘I’d never really thought about it before,’ said the shy 47 year old bachelor, ‘but that awful Savile scandal has made me realise that putting kisses on cards for kids under the age of 10 has to be considered rather dodgy. Even writing ‘with love from’ could be misinterpreted, so after considerable thought I’ve decided to sign them ‘yours faithfully’ just to be on the safe side.’

After further consideration, Mr Johnson has decided to be extremely neutral on the card that he sends to 18 year old niece, Emma. ‘I regret scribbling ‘have fun’ on her last birthday card. It was an unforgivable encouragement to all sorts of terrible acts, especially since I added a throwaway exclamation mark after my comment.’

Mr Johnston admits to finding the pressures of reaching middle age without a life partner rather difficult. ‘I’ve only ever had eyes for one girl and sadly she has never reciprocated. I’m not even sure if she ever reads the love letters I send,’ he said wistfully, before adding forcefully ‘I’m not gay you know, like almost all of the other members of my Kylie fan club branch seem to be.’

Turning to his brother and sister in law, Derek is now worried that any signs of affection in their Christmas card might be open to misinterpretation. ‘Jacqui is a lovely girl, but I don’t want her to get the wrong impression from the type of card I send. You have to be so careful these days. I mean, something as innocent as mistletoe on a card could cause all sorts of awkwardness.’

Despite his concerns dealing with the greetings card minefield, the council administrator is still looking forward to his seasonal job as a department store Santa Claus. ‘I just love to see the innocent faces of the youngsters as they climb up on my knee and I give them a little something,’ he said joyfully, ‘it gives me such a thrill.’

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Posted: Dec 10th, 2020 by

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