A special report has revealed that millions of people are taking inspiration from the endlessly repeated Christmas classic Love Actually and applying Richard Curtis’s advice to their own lives. The conclusions that people have drawn include;
It is normal to obsess about your best mate’s wife
Did you video their wedding as a ruse to film close-ups of the object of your obsession to repeatedly re-watch alone at your ‘pleasure?’ Did you show up at their house and profess love to her with the use of visual aids under the pretext of being carol singers?
You’re a sociopath, right? Wrong. Richard Curtis says this is all just playful normal activity and if you think about it, most marriages end in divorce, so if you don’t stick around and feed your obsession you might miss out. Or your mate might die in a ‘freak accident’, so you hang in there!
It is totally fine to shag the help
Richard says that if you are a very powerful man it is both acceptable and adorable to have relations with the help. The more foul-mouthed the better. If you can come across as a man of principle who wouldn’t normally do this sort of thing, even better.
Eventually, it will get awkward but remember that your powerfulness means you will always have the ability to dispose of the evidence, so to speak. Richard provides the example of deploying the SAS, although bear in mind this option may not be open to you.
…and the foreign help
An extension of the ‘shag the help’ principle extended to foreign soil. However, you will need to display more bumbling Englishman traits and dial the faux adorability up to eleven. Throw in some poor attempts at trying to master the local lingo and foreign domestic ladies will be unable to resist you.
Repeatedly watching the olive-skinned goddess plunging the outside toilet may eventually drive you to propose in the presence of all her extended family. Richard’s advice is don’t fight it. It is very romantic and – once you regain your senses – the chances are she will not get citizenship, or alternatively, you can plant cocaine in her luggage.
Don’t grieve for your dead wife for more than two weeks
Losing your betrothed is naturally devastating. It is also no picnic for those around so don’t wallow. As Richard says, while you are screaming at the moon and crying like an infant, you are basically a woman repellent. Two weeks is a decent amount of time to get over it and get back on the hunt particularly in the run-up to Christmas.
American birds are gagging for it
It’s true. Just get a flight there – anywhere, will do – and go to the nearest bar with your cute British accent. You’ll be up to your apricots in a foursome with three gorgeous blondes and brunettes in no time.
The US president being rude will lead to a major diplomatic incident
You think Donald Trump could have come over here and made a crude pass at a pretty young tea-lady at 10 Downing Street? Pah. Richard knows better. Boris would have publicly humiliated him before getting into a relationship with her himself. Pregnant fiancee? What pregnant fiancee?
Having to stand around naked with a complete stranger is a great way to get a date
Out of work actor? A bit shy and tongue-tied like all proper Englishmen? Get a job as a body double. You’ll soon be simulating sex with a butt-naked Stacey from Gavin and Stacey and romance is bound to follow.
The film will be broadcast on a permanent loop on all channels over Christmas, except for a brief interruption for the Queen’s Speech, unless the director obsessively keeps his camera pointed any posh totty that might be in the room.