A dog forced to put on a Christmas jumper against its will is quietly waiting for the perfect moment to sink his teeth into its owner’s ankle. Six-year-old Miniature Schnauzer Barnaby Green made the decision to attack after he was forced into a knitted ‘Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer’ jumper-with-hat combo set.
‘I can’t decide whether to strike early so that the bastard has to spend most of Christmas Day in A&E with the alcoholic nutjobs and the screaming kids who’ve just swallowed bits of their new Lego Ninjago kits,’ said Barnaby. ‘Or wait until him and the wife have just dropped off on the sofa after caning their sixth bottle of Lidl Prosecco and the kids are doing ‘Star Wars’ at charades for the eighth time.’
‘I should have nipped this arse-ache in the bud last year’ he added. ‘My ancestors were kept by German royalty you know, you wouldn’t have caught them being paraded up and down the park in an Elf costume like complete bell-ends. I was this close to getting it on with a young thing called Melinda last year when out comes the Christmas jumper, I’m a laughing stock and it’s goodbye to those joyous autumn days of mists and mellow fruitfulness spent sniffing each other’s arses by the duck pond.’
The Christmas dog jumper industry has grown into a multi-million-pound concern in recent times with 2017 expected to be another record breaking year. ‘That doesn’t surprise me’ said Barnaby. ‘After all, people are basically morons. And whatever happened to austerity? I mean when times are hard and you’re drawing up your family budget you’d expect a Santa outfit with matching hat and beard for your dog to be fairly high up on the list of superfluous items but no, the madness just keeps on going.’
‘I don’t know what Santa is bringing him this year but what my owner’s really going to need this Christmas is a high pain threshold and a tetanus jab. Merry Christmas – hahaha.’