A man from Hull, Michael Khatri, was recently visited by three alarming visions – the ghosts of Past Decoration Promises, of DIY Presents and of Christmas Furniture Construction. This Dickensian nightmare was made more ironic by the fact that Michael had promised his wife that he would make their lounge look like ‘a scene from Dickens’, but had so far only managed to create the ambiance of 19th century squalor.
In the run up to Christmas, it has become painfully obvious that many household projects remain unfinished; be it squeaky floorboards, the flaking walls or removing that stain from the living room carpet, which looks strangely like Simon Cowell. Worst still, is that Mr. Khatri has a fitted wardrobe to assemble, acquired during the previous January sales, which is resting – fully boxed – on the staircase.
The Ghost of Christmas Furniture said: ‘This year I’ll be bringing Michael an IKEA fitted kitchen. In one scenario, he finishes the job and his family have a wonderous Christmas. In the other scenario, Tiny Tim dies of starvation after getting trapped in a cupboard, which Michael installed backwards’.
Michael was more stoic about the situation: ‘I favour Hard Times over a Christmas Carol. Besides I still need to fix the broken loo seat, or as my wife calls it, A Tale of Two Shitties’.