1. A blank CD of John Cage music
2. A whole box of doughnut holes
3. A reel of invisible mending tape
4. A ‘The Best Of Michael McIntyre’ video
5. The inside of a Slinky
6. A copy of Principles of Government, Johnson et al
7. A bottle of Eau D’Covid-19, because you’re not fucking worth it.
8. A full-size anvil for your key ring
9. A dancing in Africa Mrs May wind up toy
10. Fender Player Stratocaster Air Guitar
11. Emperors range of new clothes
12. The Twitter Book Of All Knowledge
13. The gift of coronavirus
14. MRI scan of the inside of Chris Grayling’s head.
15. Large print wall poster of post-Brexit trade deals (A6 size)
16. Jar of certified covid-free air.
17. A fart in a colander
18. A world atlas of countries where the UK still enjoys political good will.
19. A farmers’ market jar of sealed pixie farts.
20. A Virgin Experience ‘Red Letter Day’ booze cruise to France.
21. A photo album of all the people ever saved by homeopathy.
22. A compendium of Mark Francois’ successful military campaigns which don’t include him riding naked into battle atop a unicorn.
23. A New Forest Lapland Tripadvisor rating.
24. A Debenhams gift card.
(hattip Oshaughnessy, Sir Lupus, Newsdesk, SteveB, & Dr. Chutney)