Gourmet chef presents hungry nation with charred remains of oven ready meal

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Urging the public to ‘come and get it, old chaps’, a red-faced Boris Johnson emerged from the kitchen in the flat above Number 10, Downing Street last night, carrying a flaming oven tray filled with the charred remains of a dish four years in the making.

‘Good evening, good evening!  Grubs up!  Or should that be tits up?  I wouldn’t mind either way. Guffaw,’ cried the PM to his 68 million guests, proudly displaying his monstrous culinary creation, which may have been fish & chips, but could easily have been baked Alaska.  Johnson would only confirm that the meal definitely was not a metaphor.

Wearing a deliberately oversized chef’s hat and an apron besmirched with foul grease, Johnson stumbled over his own feet, scattering food and embers everywhere.  ‘Not to worry: the stoic, heroic, gullible and heroic British people have swallowed worse than this from me,’ said Mr Johnson, sweeping the mess back onto the dish.  ‘Remember when I promised a world-beating test and trace system by June?  I think they can handle a few fingernails in their dinner.

‘Tuck in, pals, what?’

‘This leaves a bad taste in the mouth,’ spluttered the public, in between retches. ‘It’s half-baked at most and you can tell it was cooked up at the last minute.  I’d rather swallow a whole bottleful of bitter pills than choke this down.’

In a late development, the Johnson Kitchen is to have its Michelin Star status rescinded by the EU, according to reports

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Posted: Dec 18th, 2020 by

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