Urging the public to ‘come and get it, old chaps’, a red-faced Boris Johnson emerged from the kitchen in the flat above Number 10, Downing Street last night, carrying a flaming oven tray filled with the charred remains of a dish four years in the making.
‘Good evening, good evening! Grubs up! Or should that be tits up? I wouldn’t mind either way. Guffaw,’ cried the PM to his 68 million guests, proudly displaying his monstrous culinary creation, which may have been fish & chips, but could easily have been baked Alaska. Johnson would only confirm that the meal definitely was not a metaphor.
Wearing a deliberately oversized chef’s hat and an apron besmirched with foul grease, Johnson stumbled over his own feet, scattering food and embers everywhere. ‘Not to worry: the stoic, heroic, gullible and heroic British people have swallowed worse than this from me,’ said Mr Johnson, sweeping the mess back onto the dish. ‘Remember when I promised a world-beating test and trace system by June? I think they can handle a few fingernails in their dinner.
‘Tuck in, pals, what?’
‘This leaves a bad taste in the mouth,’ spluttered the public, in between retches. ‘It’s half-baked at most and you can tell it was cooked up at the last minute. I’d rather swallow a whole bottleful of bitter pills than choke this down.’
In a late development, the Johnson Kitchen is to have its Michelin Star status rescinded by the EU, according to reports