‘Scrooge’s redemptive arc a shameful leftist creation,’ insists Rees-Mogg

Scrooge

Leader of the House of Commons and immaculately polished turd, Jacob Rees-Mogg claims Dickens’ classic novella ‘A Christmas Carol’ has been sabotaged by the left as a political stunt, it has emerged.

Rees-Mogg said: ‘There is nothing the Marxists won’t do to re-write history and that includes meddling with classic literature. To suggest wealth-creator and all-round good egg, Ebenezer Scrooge would be struck by frivolous benevolence in such a cavalier manner as the story’s denouement is absurd.’

‘Of course, one has every sympathy for Bob Cratchett’s predicament. However, if it wasn’t for Scrooge where would they be? Reliant on the welfare state. That’s where. Ergo, if it were not for Scrooge, the Cratchetts would have been without any Christmas fayre. As my pater never had to say, a meager meal is better than no meal.’

‘I dare say Cratchett would have been able to provide a more substantial offering if he had applied some sensible financial planning as to whether he could have indeed afforded to have offspring, particularly diminutive Tim, in the first place’

‘One has to take responsibility for one’s actions is the morality lesson Dickens is trying to teach Cratchett. Therefore, the logical and original unmolested conclusion as I choose to understand it, has Ebeneezer resisting his philanthropic urge and keeping his purse strings closed tightly to the bitter end.’

‘Rewarding him with corporate tax breaks and lucrative tax-payer funded contracts by the government for supplying services he has no expertise in, would be my only humble editorial suggestion for Mr. Dickens.’

‘Bob Cratchett is the one visited by various apparitions to remind him just how thankful he should be to have regular employment as opposed to a zero-hours contract.’

‘A truly inspirational Christmas story.’

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Posted: Dec 23rd, 2020 by

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