Unknown road features are causing problems for one intrepid haulier and his 18-wheeler omnibus, The Spirit of Brexit. Boris Johnson, who acquired his fleet of vehicles from retired ex-colleagues’ enterprises (David Trucking Cameron Illogistics, and May’s Self-drive Vans) has discovered that the unwieldy coach can’t negotiate its way around the junction at the end of the slip road.
‘We were originally moving along in the main lanes of the EU autobahn, but about half of the the passengers, all on the right side of the Spirit of Brexit, said they thought we should leave at the next junction. Well, we’d never driven up one of these exit slip-roads before. In fact, no-one ever had. Nobody really had the faintest clue what lay at the top of them, but we were quite certain it was better than the motorway we were on.’
‘So we indicated we were leaving, and then almost immediately had to make a U-turn! We’d only missed the very first exit. Since then, we’ve done a lot more indicating and signalling and tooting our horn, and missed quite a number of other chances to leave. Once we nearly ended up in the ditch!’
‘Anyway, about a year ago we finally managed to leave the EU27 highway and started up the slip-road. My God, it’s been slow going. And now that we’ve almost reached the end of the slip-road it seems that there might only be another slip-road extension up here. It’s still under construction so it’s hard to tell. And possibly it only leads to yet another extension. We’re just going round in circles. At least that gives people the chance read yet again the messages on the side of our bus.’
‘But it certainly looks like a smooth, fast, 8-lane world-beating British motorway could be here. Quite soon. There aren’t any signs as yet so it’s not clear which direction we’ll be headed. I’ve typed in a place called “Sunlit Uplands” on the navigation, but so far it says it’s still calculating. Unfortunately the passengers who didn’t want to take this route keep saying we’re only going downhill at the moment.’
‘The very good thing that we planned all along is that because we’re going so slowly right now, some passengers are taking the opportunity to get off. Goodbye Mr Dyson! Cheerio Mr Ratcliffe! Strangely, not quite as many are getting on. I’ll have to send our conductor, Mr Rees-Mogg, round with the ticket machine. He knows, personally, all those who have free passes. He’ll make the rest pay. Most likely through the nose.’