What’s that? You voted for Brexit and absolutely approve of the fantastic deal Boris won for us single handedly from the EU? Mais oui bien sûr, geezer, but naturally you haven’t got the time, or can’t be arsed to trawl through 1350 or more pages of fine detail, so we’ve digested it all and now present it in a way for you that disguises it’s actually rather shit.
Trade – we won on trade. We can trade, and they can’t trade.
Borders – we’ve won back all control, can go where we want and do what we want, when we want. They have to ask us first and we’ll say no.
Irish Border – a win for us, it’s ours now and we’re not giving it back!
European Court of Justice – another win – from now on we’ll tell them what to do and they’ll do it mumbling apologies and calling us ‘Sir’.
Fish – we won on fish, we have all the fish and they have none and they’re heart-broken and awed by our negotiating prowess and our fishermen are stoked!
Red tape – we won. I’m just going to tell you there’ll be no non-tariff barriers and you’re going to believe me because you’re that stupid. Don’t whatever you do check.
Level playing field – you don’t know what this is either, but trust us, we won it and they’ve had to eat a huge slap of humble pie!
Services – we won that too, you probably didn’t know it wasn’t part of negotiations so you won’t know that we’ve not won that too.
Brexit Divorce Bill – a win. They’re paying it to us now, with interest and an apology. Again, don’t check.
Crime & Security – you guessed it, another win. They got all the crime, and we got all the security.
Education and qualifications – win, ours our best, and they have to all speak English and we don’t have to learn any of their stupid languages anymore.
Health – obvious win, they like being filthy.
The EU’s imminent downfall – win, it’s going down the pan now we’re not there to prop it up. Good thing we got out when we did, we’ll mop up all the spoils.
So there you have it. We’ve won, again. Brexit is a success and the deal’s definitely not shit and it’s all here so you don’t have to check.
Now, definitely don’t check. OK?