The British people are seething with jealousy towards the three types of native animal which are about to avoid the horrors of the next four months by sleeping through the whole shitfest, the spawny little tossers. 85% of people surveyed by Ipsos MORI said that they wished they could stay comatose until April as well.
‘We could actually leave it a little while longer,’ said dormouse Adrian Corbett. ‘Winters are becoming increasingly mild, after all. Then again, if we could, we’d sit out the two weeks of randomly letting off fireworks and the Poppy Outrage season you half-evolved apes put yourselves through. In fact, I can sleep for 183 days if need be, so I may stretch this one out all the way to Eurovision and beyond.’
Caroline Plummer, a Worcestershire-based bat, agreed. ‘The thought of flitting by windows with Christmas lights on well into January because some of you sad cases think it’s going to cheer people up,’ she said. ‘So if you’ll excuse me, I’m just off to hang myself upside-down in a tree. You’re welcome to join me if you can’t take it any more.’
Raymond Berryman, a hedgehog from the outskirts of Dover, said that he didn’t envy humans having to deal with imminent food and drug shortages during a pandemic because the Daily Mail told them it would be great. However, he admitted to mixed feelings on his own account.
‘I’m quite fond of humans, at least the ones who feed me bread and milk in their gardens for some strange reason,’ Berryman said. ‘Much nicer than slugs. So it does make me sad to see what they are doing to themselves right now and I’m ready to sleep through it all and hope things have improved by April.
‘On the other hand, it sounds like it will be quite safe for me to walk straight across the M2 this winter with all those lorries stuck in a 25-mile tailback waiting for customs checks that can’t happen because they didn’t manage to recruit enough Romanians to come and do them. Seems a shame to miss it.’