Following promises by Matt Hancock that ‘we’ll be out of this by spring’, hopes of a swift return to normality were crushed by the revelation that Spring doesn’t even start until 21 March and will continue until 21 June.
Mary Stevens, a bricklayer from Essex, said: ‘Spring is like, the start of the year, isn’t it? It’s about the time you finally get around to taking down the Xmas decorations. When Hancock says “by spring”, it kind of sounds like he means the start, but you know he’ll claim he meant the end all along.
‘I’ll bet he’s even going by the astronomical rather than the meteorological calendar, the weaselly little shit. You just know that as long as the House of Commons bar is back to serving Boddingtons by the end of June he’ll be crowing from the rooftops.’
Nigel Jones from Tring added that he will not take any vaccine ‘until we clarify what Matt Hancock considers to be normal. Maybe we’re all going to be wearing gimp masks and doing our shopping naked on pogo sticks. I’d rather just take my chances with the virus.’