This year’s Dishonours List includes dozens of newly minted twats, pricks, sods and tossers – individuals whose contributions to public life have been irritating, infuriating or downright damaging. Under hastily cobbled legislation fast-tracked through Parliament, anybody can recommend someone for one of the new dishonours, which consist of life Twattages, Prickhoods, appointments to the Order of the Utter Wankers, and an assortment of other choice epithets.
Nominations, submitted by members of the public, are assessed by committees of independent experts at the Cap in Hand pub in Chessington. Their assessments are passed to a selection committee that produces the list, independently of government, that is submitted to the Queen through the Prime Minister. Once conferred, the recipient should always be addressed with their official title
Both Piers Morgan and Bono are set to be made life Twats, obliging them to sit with their fellow ignobles in the House of Twats, which, while having no legislative power, does at least keep them all in one place. Former Royal Bank of Scotland chief executive, Fred Goodwin is in line for a prickhood, and will thus be addressed as “Prick Fred Goodwin” from the new year, and joining him will be massive prick, former BP CEO, Tony Hayward.
From the world of entertainment, Jeremy Kyle, Fearne Cotton and Chris Moyles will all be dubbed Tossers of the British Empire, and in sport, John Terry is to receive a Shitehood.
Wendy Lewis, the woman who urinated on the cenotaph memorial in Blackpool this June is to be made a Companion of the Order of Mingers, and Mary Bale, the cat-in-the-wheelie-bin woman is to be awarded the ‘Worse than Hitler’ medal.
As is customary, three-quarters of the awards in the dishonours list go to ‘unsung local bellends’. They include a Dickhead award for Clive Walker, ‘comedian’ caller at a Bristol bingo hall, a Lying Little Slag medal for Sarah Hopkins, till operator at Levenshulme Asda in Manchester, and Noel Horritt, an office manager from Greenock in Renfrewshire, who is to be awarded a Golden Turd for services to being a total shit about the holiday rota every fricking year for the last eight years.
The Dishonours will be awarded at Buckingham Palace. It is the government’s hope that this diversionary hatred will vent the electorate’s frustration and draw attention away from the extraordinary concentration of total cunts among their own number.