Public figures’ New Year’s resolutions leaked

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Chris Grayling: My resolution is- hullo? Hullo? Can anyone hear me? I think one of us is on mute. Maybe me. Let me try this butto-

Nigel Farage: Don’t you worry, I resolve to continue harrying our lily-livered so-called politicians until we free our splendid nation from the thrall of our Eurocratic Overlords. What? We’re out? And the pubs are still closed? It’s an outrage. I’m forming the Home Rule for Kent Party now – who’s in? Oh, and to sell more bitcoins

Priti Patel: It’s so hard when you’re already overflowin’ with the milk of human kindness. Can you come back to me?

Keir Starmer: I think the important thing is to incisively weigh up all the pros and cons, the arguments for and against, if you will; the full moral, political and least vote-leeching implications, maybe a focus group; before coming down conclusively on the side of one resolution. Or another one. But not saying it out loud.

Rita Ora: It’s 2021, you mothers! Let’s paaaaarty!

Priti Patel: It’s not my fault I can’t think of anythin’. Heads will roll in the department, let me be reassurin’ you.

Chris Whitty: My resolution is … [next slide please]

Arlene Foster: No.

Chris Grayling: Hullo? The battery’s about to die. Has anyone got a pencil? Or some pape-

Boris Johnson: One hesitates to blow one’s own flugelhorn, but to jolly well continue as the thunderingly best leader, partner, and father this we’re-not-sinking-we’re-living-our-best-waterpark-life nation has ever seen. Fighting for our rights. In our satin tights. Will you shut that blithering child up, Carrie? I’m trying to watch Wonder Woman 1984.

Bill Bailey: Resolutions? Well, no more principled hippy Mr Frodo-alike for a start: after revealing the real me on Strictly, this is the year to smash it corporate-style. The hair’s cut, I’m on Gwyneth Paltrow’s pelvic floor regime, the presenter’s job on Love Island: Aftersun’s in the bag, and I’m writing a jingle for Amazon.

Robert Jenrick: No, this is his secretary. It’s lockdown, so he must be travelling to his other house. Or the other one. Or the other one. Or someone else’s.

Keir Starmer I’ve been saying for months now that these resolutions should be resolved. Now we’re at the point of decision, not to have those resolutions resolved shows the Government has no resolve. Why didn’t they impose a two-week resolution circuit breaker in October like I said? Why didn’t they impose a complete resolution lock down like I said? Why does no one listen to me?

Priti Patel: Umm … No, I’m thinkin’. Crossed-fingers-doesn’t-count still means I can say anythin’ and not bother stickin’ to it, doesn’t it? Must do, I see Boris doin’ it all the time.

Jonathan Van Tam: As I urge us all to be: humble oarsmen helping steer this ship through choppy infected waters- ensuring the NHS does not get swallowed by viral sharks, if you will- until we beach on the sun-kissed sands of Mingling Island once more, thanks to the friendly welcoming native boffins and their vaccine-tipped spears. I think that’s clear?

Chris Grayling: Hullo? I’ve put it in the post. Although I think I forgot to put a stamp on it. Has anyone got anything for a paper cut?

NB: Jacob Rees-Mogg’s resolutions have been discounted as they are all for 1821.

Hat tips: Max Stars, Sir Lupus, SteveB

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Posted: Jan 1st, 2021 by

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