Schoolboy-resembling Education Secretary Gavin Williamson has announced that the Government is ‘moving decisively to support our wonderful, though slightly Lefty, teaching profession’. In a bid to quell any lingering anxiety that may remain about the safety of their workplaces, the Government is launching Operation DivineWind, and rolling out ‘Back to School’ preparation packs for schoolmasters and mistresses of the nation’s classrooms.
‘First, a word about what they won’t contain,’ said Williamson. ‘PPE, for starters. It’s saliently impossible to correctly annunciate Euclid or Virgil with your face all muffled up and hidden, and blackboard chalk goes all sticky in a gloved hand, so that’s a non-starter. However, with the lamentable absenteeism that is rife within the education centre, its highly unlikely that more than a smattering of the 52 children in each of their classes will be present, and so maintaining distancing should be straightforward.’
However, the packs will contain numerous useful items, including an emergency will-writing pamphlet, alongside a red biro to complete it with. There will also be a silk bandana; a small bottle of sake and ceremonial cup; an optional blindfold and a final cigarette for those who wish to avail themselves of it. However, matches are not included as the Health & Safety Executive would not permit it.
‘The whole package is contained in a sturdy wooden box, which can also double as storage for your last effects before you hop on the jolly old school bus and head back to your classrooms,’ said Williamson. ‘I’ve put the army in charge of logistics and I’m reliably informed that they’ve already identified, emptied and repurposed some refrigerated lorries in Oxford and therefore they’ll be motoring these packs out to you before you can say “coconut shy”.’