It’s a challenge which every ex-PM faces – how do you monetise your brand when you’re kicked out of Downing Street? Tony Blair showed a rare flair for sarcasm by becoming a Middle East Peace Envoy, John Major teamed up with Edwina Currie to produce a sex guide which was later used by the NHS as an emergency emetic for drug overdoses, and David Cameron charges up to £15k per night not to attend corporate events or make motivational speeches.
Now it’s Boris’s turn to seek another career, preferably before anybody gets to the end of the Brexit agreement and finds out we all have to wash a Frenchie’s car every Thursday.
The Covid Marketing Board have been ‘very impressed’ with his work so far, and he is understood to be a shoo-in for a non-exec role when the time comes. Boris has excelled in virus propagation, encouraging children to attend school, refusing to quarantine incomers from foreign parts, inventing completely new vaccination protocols and diverting the PPE budget to a bunch of shell companies owned by Biffo and Squidger from Eton.
It’s widely thought that Boris entered into a symbiotic relationship when the virus infected him in April, though this wouldn’t explain the Conservative manifesto which was dated several months earlier and has an almost identical genetic sequence. Viruses aren’t fully alive, they can only prosper by parasitising living things and exploiting their resources – all explained in Chapter 3 of the Conservative Manifesto.
Whenever he really became Half Man, Half Virus, Boris has a great future with Covid-19. We can only hope he leaves behind enough of a country for his successor to govern.