Unbridled joy has greeted the news that eleven Republican senators are on the brink of cracking all the world’s unsolved mysteries by the power of belief alone. Belief, that is, backed up with a hefty dose of pig-headedness, arrogance, millions invested in Trump-based schemes, and a healthy fear of prison showers.
Riding into the press conference on Shergar, Ted ‘Easter Bunny’ Cruz confirmed the existence of Bigfoot, unicorns, and the Loch Ness Monster, simply by being able to picture them in his mind’s eye. In exciting news for the beleaguered package holiday industry, Ron ‘Tooth Fairy’ Johnson announced that Atlantis was now open for business exclusively through Amelia Earhart Airlines, whilst admitting the ‘swim with mermaids experience’ does carry a slight risk of being washed over the rim of the earth.
Casting aside their usual disguise as line-our-own-pocket avaricious bigots, the senators demonstrated their highly evolved philosophical skills in juggling multiple complex belief paradigms: that climate change isn’t happening, climate change is happening and is 100% natural, burning fossil fuels doesn’t contribute to climate change, and burning fossil fuels makes the earth ‘comfortably toasty’. Their rousing conclusion demonstrated incontrovertibly the simple Euclidean coincidence of their massive dividends from said fossil fuel industry being invested in Mars-rocket tickets to get their descendants off-planet before it fries to a crisp.
Speaking from beyond the grave, Descartes advised he had pondered updating his famous maxim “I think, therefore I am” to: “I don’t think and am patently a laughing stock”, before settling on a simple Gallic shrug and: “W@nkers”.
Journalists were then invited to partake of a buffet of moon-cheese sandwiches and an obstinately insufficient number of loaves and fishes. Meanwhile the senators excused themselves to tend their Magic Money Tree- which only a fool would believe was a euphemism for diverting another few million deceived Republican Party donors’ life-savings into entirely credible election lawsuits.