In the wake of surging case numbers Boris Johnson has updated coronavirus guidance in England to “Do what you f*@king like but don’t come crying to me if you die”. The Prime Minister has also replaced the existing “Hands – Face – Space” slogan with “Do what you like – Catch it and die for all I care – Don’t come crying to me”.
“We have tried throughout this pandemic to strike a balance between keeping people safe, protecting the NHS, and not imposing too onerous restrictions on our way of life. Alas, half of you have ignored any rules we have put in place, and the other half have criticised whatever we have done.” explained Mr Johnson, at a press conference for which he was almost an hour late as his stylists were busy dragging him through a hedge backwards.
“If we didn’t act, then we should have done. If we imposed restrictions they were either too strict or too late. I tried to keep the pubs open, I really did. I tried to let you have Christmas together, despite the fact that it was clearly not a sensible thing to do. All I wanted was for you to like me. And all you do is complain or take the piss, so bollocks to the lot of you. I’ll be fine anyway, I’ve already had it. If the rest of you catch it and die then that’s your own fault now.”
Following the announcement the Prime Minister took questions from the press, starting with Laura Kuenssberg from the BBC, who asked “If you were going to tell people to do whatever they wanted to then don’t you think you should have made this announcement yesterday?”, at which point Boris burst into tears and left the room.
Hat-tip JonnyJP, who inspired this with a comment in a recent conversation