Joe Biden, President-elect and the oldest known relic in America, says he refuses to be controlled by the Trump legacy after analysts calculate the risk of demonic possession at over 85%.
‘There is a clear and present danger of a satanic and evil spirit controlling the Democratic party and turning it into nauseating supernatural horror nightmare.
On my first day in office, we’re bringing in a Catholic priest, burning all the Make America Great Again Ouija boards and locking all the windows.’
One of Mr Biden’s aides said intensive training courses were in place for all staff to spot any telltale signs. These include randomly urinating on the floor, levitating, speaking in tongues and of course, rapid spinning of the head through 360 degrees.
‘We have found some scarring on Mr Biden’s stomach which form the words ‘Help Me’. Obviously, with Joe’s almost constant deletion of his memory banks, he can’t remember how it got there, but we believe it was during his televised debates with the wrathful Trump.