Grimly holding on like Ron Jeremy getting paid by the hour, President Trump has taken a break from threatening Georgian election officials to launch a surprise invasion of Isla St Clair, the Scottish folk singer and seventies gameshow hostess.
Rejected even by The Man From Del Monte, the bloated, pulpy orange has resorted to the time-honoured diversionary tactic of kicking off a pointless conflict over an insignificant but emotive territory. Successful precedents include the Falklands War getting Margaret Thatcher out of an embarrassing skirt-tucked-into-knickers incident, and KFC taking reasonable action to distract from 2018’s national chicken shortage by carpet-bombing the Isle of Wight.
Miss St Clair admitted to being “somewhat surprised”, but, thanks to multiple tours of duty on the front line of The Generation Game, was fully equipped to retaliate with major firepower, and had sharpened her ‘Pye Colour Television TV Personality of the Year’ award in readiness should it come down to hand-to-hand combat.
Undaunted, a series of defiant tweets from the US Commander in Chief of the Defiantly Deluded Corps declared his intention to patriotically remain in post and “uphold truth and democracy across the Jonah Hills, Diane Lanes and Jeff Bridges of this great nation, to the very shores of Billy Ocean.”