The small kitchenette at the back of the changing rooms at Dunkley FC has been unceremoniously stripped of the prestigious Michelin Star it was awarded last year.
Margaret Bottomley, Head Chef, explained: “It started when I was watching Masterchef and thought I’d have a laugh with the players by jazzing-up the menu. It was just a bit of fun, really. Then, somehow, Michelin caught wind and we ended up with a bloody star. Now they’ve got their knickers in a right twist over it.”
First team captain, ‘Nozzer’ Northwick, commented: “We’d meet up at the club early on match day and dust off the cobwebs with an ‘Infusion of sundried Sri Lankan Camellia Sinensis tips’, accompanied by two ‘Delicately scorched staff of life tiles adorned with the finest sweet cream Cumbrian butter’. Tea and toast, basically.”
Nozzer added: “It went daft on social media. We all went along with it coz it boosted club funds. There were queues of fine-dining nobs at the hatch every Saturday morning, getting off on how sublime the egg butties were and how Margaret had captured the essence of sausage.”
A representative from Michelin who preferred to remain anonymous, reflected: “We understand that errors in selection criteria may have been overlooked. For example: ‘A reconstructed deconstruction of a full-English’, is simply a full-English. Also, because the club’s nickname was changed to ‘The Baconnoisseurs’ does not denote that the players are experts in porcine cuisine. And to rub Himalayan pink salt in the wound: when I asked for the framed Michelin certificate to be removed from a shelf, the proprietor immediately filled the space with two cans of ‘Vimteau’, written on with a Sharpie. Vile! Simply vile!’