NewsBiscuit Retrospective 2020

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NewsBiscuit Retrospective 2020

You may be pleased to see the back of 2020, but before you see it disappearing away in your metaphorical rear-view mirror, Newsbiscuit have carefully curated – er…is there any other kind of curating? – our review of the year. And if you like what’s below, why not have a look at our Newsbiscuit Real Fake News book: 15 years of Typos, available to buy below:

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January

January started, in a fashion, in the way it looks like finishing, with veteran fighter Mark Francois spending time with all his friends.

Mark Francois preferred quiet night in

Meanwhile the most important thing the Labour Party could find to do was elect a new leader to not oppose the Conservatives effectively.

Labour leadership hopefuls to appear on Lidl cereal boxes

Whereas the rest of the world was in denial about a bit of a bug originating in downtown Wuhan, NewsBiscuit were amazingly prescient.

Trump dismisses coronavirus as ‘sad fantasy’

February

The real issue gripping the country was how could Brexit possibly get worse?

United Kingdom to retrain as psychotherapist after split from EU

And as coronavirus victim numbers steadily climbed to 2, NewsBiscuit kept its focus, like everyone else in the UK, on the weather.  Especially as the country was being chased by a storm instead of creating one.

Storm inconvenienced Isle of Wight vows ‘we will rebuild’

But the real news of the month was a change in Chancellor of the Exchequer, something Boris looked like doing as often as he changed his underwear or his lovers.  NewsBiscuit understood really well that the job was at best a part- time activity.

Chancellor of the Exchequer to become a zero hour contract

March

As March started most sane people watching what was happening in Italy and other parts of Europe realised we were heading for a big problem.  Unfortunately the people running the country were/are idiots so we were encouraged to attend football matches and large racing meets.  NewsBiscuit did offer some advice to the sporting fraternity, though.

Sportsmen ordered not to shake hands, spitting still ok

While the government were busy burying their heads in the sand, the good British public did the only sensible thing they could – they panic bought anything that was up for sale.  Toilet rolls, tinned food and common sense were in short supply buut NewsBiscuit found at least one chink of light.

‘Still plenty of porridge’ say supermarkets

Meanwhile, as the pandemic suddenly started to look real, even to the alleged grown-ups in Westminster, NewsBiscuit posted a story that actually became an unlikely truebiscuit.  Sort of.

ISIS orders suicide bombers to avoid crowded spaces

While NewsBiscuit added a new Dicky to the Cockney vernacular

Cockneys announce ‘Miley Cirus’ as official rhyming slang for Coronavirus

April

Lockdown took hold and Llandudno was taken over by goats. The the rest of the UK remained led by donkeys.

Ninety percent of British towns now controlled by goats

The government started to broadcast daily bulletins with Boris taking the comedic lead and Chris Whitty acting as his straight man.  Ultimately some staple parts of BBC programming had to be shifted off-air to accompany this, but unfortunately some shows remained stubbornly resistant to the virus.

BBC: Coronavirus will not affect Mrs Brown’s Boys Repeats schedule

Meanwhile the UK was becoming obsessed with the super sexy, charismatic Chris Whitty himself, which diverted a small amount of attention from Dominic Cummings who decided to break every rule he’d helped write and really test Specsavers in the process

Chris Whitty accused of trying to ‘sex up’ coronavirus

May

Following a brief encounter with death, or at least an inconvenient cold, Boris used every opportunity to tell everyone how close to death he really had been after ignoring his own rules and contracting covid.  To most people’s disappointment it wasn’t anywhere close enough

Article about how I nearly died needs ‘litres and litres of oxygen’ admits PM

Meanwhile the country adapted to shirking on Zoom meetings instead of in the workplace

Huge disappointment as Zoom meeting goes off without incident

Meanwhile Cummings appeared in the Rose Garden to provide an unconvincing reason not to deck him, while NewsBiscuit considered the likely opinion of a former Prime Minister.

Theresa May pissing herself

June

As the lockdown looked like being lifted, some parts of the economy was really dreading it.

Charity shops brace for deluge of all sort of random, useless shite

Meanwhile the Black Lives Matter movement crossed the Atlantic and protests started here in the UK.  Toppling statues became so popular that there is now a growth industry to make statues to be toppled.

Price of scrap bronze will plummet if UK removes all its racist statues

As the pandemic moved to a new phase allowing the government to bung cash to its friends without so much public gaze on it, the nation mourned the cessation of the daily briefings.

Fans bereft after ‘classic’ 1st season finale of ‘Downing Street Daily Briefing’

July

The government looked to post Covid recovery with its usual in-depth analysis and foresight.

Uk recovery to be based predominantly on bullshit

And the government kept up its charm offensive, denying anything and everything.

3-2-1 reboot reveals clue to government’s mystifying “what the f*ck?” paradoxes

However at least one Conservative MP accidently did the right thing, which was stamped on pretty quickly.

Conservative MP expelled from party for accidentally acting with integrity

August

The UK, like the rest of the world, suddenly realised Donald Trump was still in power and was getting very vocal.  This is probably another Truebiscuit

White house searching for orange mountain range for Trump face carving

With the pandemic clearly sorted people, especially those involved in right wing politics or just wearing beige flannels, turned their attention to the influx of Europeans entering the UK by small boats.

Brexit party to patrol English Channel in armoured pedalos

Of course August is results month – what could possibly have gone right?

Gavin Williamson to undergo widespread reassessment

September

New month, same old Coronavirus except schools, colleges and universities were encouraged to help spread the virus.  Luckily we had a world beating track and trace…er…

Matt Hancock to promote Track & Trace through Friends Reunited

As the country started with yet another new normal, house buyers and sellers found the market was spreading faster than the latest strain of Coronavirus

Property boom as parents rush to move house while children are at school

But while those brats were at school, teachers had to learn new survival techniques.

Covid infected kids can’t smell substitute teacher’s fear

October

The government realised that some people might need to retrain after the pandemic was over.  Unfortunately, they didn’t realise that it was the politicians, not the public.

Dame Judi Dench retrains as scaffolder

Meanwhile a top footballer took the government advice and retrained as a spokesman for common sense.  Unfortunately the government wasn’t equipped to deal with that as the country hurtled towards half term and apparently kids want to eat on school breaks too.  Who’d a thunk?

Free school meals limited to Michaelmas, Lent and Trinity term dates say Tories

And while the American people prepared to vote, Trump was working out how to stop anyone from voting by post – apart from people like him. Anyway, he clearly isn’t going anywhere, win or lose.

Trump ‘to continue as President after death’ confirms White House

November

The US election results seemed to take sooooooooo long.  Apparently you are supposed to count all the votes, not just the ones the President wants counting.

US election: results might be in before first Mars landing

President Trump did start to look a little – well, desperate once he’d been firmly trounced.

Furious trump says prayers aren’t working and fires god

And as the hope of a vaccine appeared on the horizon the government suddenly realised it had missed at least one trick in promoting its chumocracy

Vaccine: Britain orders 1 trillion doses from dormant company in Liechtenstein

December

As a new COVID variant was discovered in the UK, other countries closed their borders to the sick man of Europe. On the plus side, the chaos created some opportunities for shaking up TV programmes

Manston Airport to Feature on “Four In A Bed”

Boris Johnson finally secured a world-beating Brexit deal (similar to the world beating track and trace system). As always. NewsBiscuit was there to dissect it, so you didn’t have to.

Brexit Deal wins that freed us from the EU: digested, so you don’t see it’s shit

As we reached the end of a turbulent twelve months, everyone was ready to put on their best Patrick Vallance voice and say ‘Next Year Please’, but not before commemorating New Years Eve.

Everyone finally gets the New Year’s Eve they secretly wanted

 

If you liked these stories, why not have a look at our NewsBiscuit – Real Fake News: 15 Years of Typos, a bumper collection of Newsbiscuit Stories from the last 15 years.

Available at:

https://amzn.to/2HZcJ63 

https://amzn.to/36uP0UQ 

 

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Posted: Jan 8th, 2021 by

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