As Lockdown aftershocks continue to ripple, including the news of summer exam cancellations, the national economy has had a surprise boost from the inclusion of extortionate bribes being thrust at the teaching profession to encourage them to ‘get their predicted grades right’.
One teacher, who we agreed not to name to preserve his anonymity, said the net gain from parents in his Year 11 Technical Marquetry set at Parkside Secondary Modern, Bridgwater was already equivalent to a year’s salary. ‘I’ve damn near worn out the asterix key on my laptop, the number of A stars I’ve been banging out’, he said. ‘At roughly £2k a pop, going rate, an escalating trade in grade boundaries had risked a postcode lottery, but we in the teaching profession are determined that parental wealth shouldn’t be the sole arbiter of pupil outcome, rather than genuine achievement. For example, I had that ham-fingered pillock Nigel Scarper in my class, lucky if he can chisel his own name, but his Mum came round and genuinely achieved a smile on my face so he’s in for a solid B. Just like she got, in fact.’
Maths and English top grades typically attract the highest premiums, with a street value in the high thousands, but Science and Humanities teachers can still attract substantial payments for higher marks whilst music teachers have been known to peddle a Grade Nine Oboe for a grand, or a monkey for Grade Five Recorder, no questions asked.
‘The only school staff not revelling in the predicted grade windfalls are the Games teachers’, said the anonymous source ‘as whichever way you dress it up, a PE GCSE is still worth f*@k all to anyone.’