Observers are watching in horror as satellite footage shows Earth slowing down and wobbling under the weight of millions of over-eating slobs. Shocked scientists have confirmed that last Wednesday was 32 hours long, while 2021 is set to last until March 2022. The Daily Mail predicts “this could be the last year ever” as the planet grinds to a halt to the sound of munching, burping gluttons.
Meanwhile, the government has appealed for calm, urging people to see this as “an opportunity to address the national diet”. As a last resort, the rest of the solar system will be asked to “share the burden” and take in a few million of the world’s fattest people as “gastronomic migrants”. A secret list of these “pastronauts” is already being drawn up.
Meanwhile, the fast food industry is outraged at what it calls “killjoy scientists” trying to meddle with its customers’ calorie intake. In fact, a spokesman for McDonalds urges people to consume more burgers, milkshakes and sugared drinks than ever: “If anything is slowing down the planet, it’s all those cows waiting to be eaten. Remember, our branches are now open 32 hours a day”.