Joe Wicks has been told by a nation on the edge that now is not the time for his made for slow-mo flowing locks and abs that won’t quit, it has emerged.
The initial nostalgic familiarity associated with Wicks’s announcement to resume his daily PE lessons-slash-soft porn videos next week was swiftly replaced by the ambivalent resignation of a nation, already coping with the annual post-Christmas feeling of being repeatedly punched in the face, now facing the thirteenth lockdown as an added kick in the bollocks.
On hearing the announcement, one parent, Janet Collins said, “at first I thought, Joe’s back. My little Joe-Joe. I remembered how we shared some special moments back then.
“Ah, the summer of 2020. You working as a topless window cleaner on my street. Me, inexplicably alone on my bed in the middle of the day, flicking the pages of a magazine in ridiculous see-through lingerie and high heels. Sorry.”
Topping up her shredded wheat from a bottle of Smirnoff she sighed and continued, “then I snapped out of it and realised that it’s fucking January and the seven-year-old is demanding selection box chocolate for breakfast again.
“But sure. let’s do thirty minutes of star jumps.
“Not now, Joe.”
Another parent, John Whittaker commented, “I still have the faint smell of pigs-in-blankets on my breath and my five year-old-son just said ‘yeah, good luck with that’ when I suggested we practice some spelling.
“Not now Joe. Not now.”