New Bowie film totally fails to capture his passion for admin, complains family


New biopic ‘Stardust’, which chronicles David Bowie’s first forays into drugs, cross-dressing, and sexual experimentation, is a dull pastiche which doesn’t reflect the Bri-Nylon safari suit-wearing, Fray Bentos-favouring, pipe-smoking maverick he truly was, his family claims.

“Time and again, he was the first to smash social norms, which the film completely overlooks,” explained a spokesperson. “Remember, David, or ‘Jones the Rotarian’, as he preferred, introduced the zip-up fleece to Bromley, remains the only person to earn gold loyalty passes to Keswick Pencil Museum and Southport Lawnmower World, and to the very end, refused to come down on one side or the other in the ‘milk or tea in the cup first?’ debate. Madness! Genius!”

The row means no original Bowie music can be used in the film, leading to complaints from preview audiences expecting to tap along to hits such as ‘Let’s Just Sit This One Out’, ‘Neasden Junction to Waterloo East Terminus’, ‘Life in Bath’, and ‘Parking Space Anomaly’, recorded during the period Bowie legally changed his name to ‘Chewy Starburst’, in an impassioned protest against the rebranding of Opal Fruits.

Fans are being urged to boycott the new release, and instead enjoy Bowie’s back catalogue of avant-garde films, including ‘The Man who Tripped Over Slightly on the Pavement’, ‘Happy Fourth Sunday After Pentecost, Vicar’, and ‘Labrador’, in which he famously sported a mullet based on his own beloved retriever, the skinny pale Duke.

So far there has been no direct comment from Bowie’s son, who during his father’s life felt crippled by the showbiz expectations of his unconventional moniker, ‘Duncan’, and now makes corporate training videos for the automotive components industry under the soberly corporate ‘Wowzie Zowbagger’.

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Posted: Jan 11th, 2021 by

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