WHITE HOUSE, DC – With four rioters and a police officer dead and the repercussions of the events at the Capitol on Wednesday becoming clearer, President Donald Trump pre-emptively outlined his plans to pardon himself for everything that he didn’t do on that fateful day.
Speaking from a podium in front of the smoking wreckage of Congress, the outgoing President declared, “I hereby pardon Donald J. Trump – that’s me – for every crime that I haven’t done. All of them. So many. Even the ones no one knows I was involved in, like the thing with Prince Andrew in the Oval Office. This was a frame-up, believe me, and that’s why I need to legally absolve myself, before I’m found not guilty.”
Donning a pair of spectacles and reading from a checklist, Trump reeled off all the illegal activities he never did but people say he did but he didn’t, no way: “I’m not going to jail for tax evasion; I’m not a lightweight like Al Capone. Paying off porn stars? Fake news. Urinating on prostitutes? Boasting about grabbing women? Show me the tapes! Actually, better not.
“This is the biggest hoax of all time, the biggest. It’s so big. The biggest since the last biggest hoax that I was obsessed with last week. I think that was the fake election fake result, or was it the Kung Flu, or global warming? Maybe Russia, Russia, Russia? So many hoaxes. Sad.
“I’m actually the most law-abiding President of all time. I love behaving within the terms of our great nation’s constitution so much, possibly more than anyone,” boasted POTUS. “Ask Rudy Giuliani, when he doesn’t have his hand down his pants. Just beautiful. Or my literally hundreds of former lawyers – some of whom are in jail – whose services I’ve never required because I’m never taken to court.”
Commented one legal observer, “The people are revolting, and so is the President.”