A new advertising campaign released by the UK government has implored the public to save lives by acting like they have contracted Covid and immediately driving 500 miles to Durham.
“Gather up your family, take off your glasses and head up north, everyone,” ran the ad, featuring a sombre Scarlett Moffatt perched on the edge of the family sofa. “If you had Covid you wouldn’t hesitate to undertake this bit of essential travel to our picturesque county. Now is no different. The only way we can reclaim control of the coronavirus pandemic is for the entire population to descend on Barnard Castle en masse.”
The situation in the UK is deadly serious, with infection rates out of control in every region of the nation and hospitals on the brink of overload, so Number Ten feels that a communication revamp is necessary at this point. It is hoped that the new messaging drive will convince the public to recover the spirit of the first lockdown, namely a spirited jaunt up the A1 towards their parents’ country manor for a spot of sightseeing.
“Behave like you have impaired vision and hop in the car, is the key takeaway,” confirmed Professor Chris Whitty, squinting beneath his enormous eyebrows. “Next slide, please.”
“If you already live in Durham, then make the opposite trip to Land’s End in Cornwall. What’s important here is the journey, not the destination,” declared Dominic Cummings from behind an incongruous desk in the Downing Street Rose Garden.
“Why-aye, man! Howay the lads!” shouted an intensive care nurse, surrounded by unconscious pensioners.