Derbyshire police, praised for their outreach work among the most easily bullied and naturally compliant in society, have been forced to concede that two women recently fined for ‘picnicking’ were not surrounded by the minimum number of wasps required by law to constitute an al fresco dining event.
“As laid down in Magna Pesta, human-wasp legislation, and Lakeland Limited’s summer catalogue, every attempt to eat outdoors must be accompanied by a minimum number of irritations,” confirmed a solicitor representing the women.
“These include at least one screaming child (usually provided by the masticating party, although having a putative romantic tryst jeer-bombed by foulmouthed teenagers is also acceptable), one dog, Tupperware, or corned-beef-tin key- sustained injury, and a significant number of biting insects, at a minimum ratio of 8 wasps or 3 clouds of midges per punnet of on-the-turn fruit (doubling according to the number and severity of allergic picnickees).”
The women were comprehensively acquitted, even with their winter weather defence declared inadmissible, as aiming to force Happy Shopper tortilla chips through violently chattering teeth in sub-zero temperatures or gale-force winds was judged to be part of the authentic British holiday picnic experience (summer statute).
Speaking on behalf of the Prime Minister (temporarily indisposed due to higher than usual levels of cheese dip in his coquettishly windblown barnet following a recent picnic short walk on the Sussex Downs along Downing Street), Jacob Rees Mogg confirmed no English gentleman would consider it a picnic without a haunch of venison, a phalanx of uniformed staff down to under-truffler, and a little post-lunch sporting fun for the progeny to run off some energy, such as five-a-side annexation of Cheshire.