Kids food packs include £5 of ingredients and a £25 haute cuisine recipe book

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The Government have rushed to clear up ‘confusion’ regarding the contents of the £30 food packs for starving children that are being provided by Chartwells, who won through a competitive tendering process came up first alphabetically in their black book of favours.
We do appreciate, at first sight, some of the food items may seem a little underwhelming. However, a nubbin of carrot, some fragments of turnip, perhaps a few limpets, half a pigs trotter and some venerable sprouts can be utterly transformed into a culinary triumph using some of these recipes in ‘The Gourmand’s Banquet’ by chef de partie Tarquin Pottington-Smythe.
Seriously, once you’ve tasted his divine Roasted limpets with sprout veloute and carrot emulsion, there’s no way you’d go back to beefburgers and spaghetti hoops. We’re doing the palatte of these starving kids a real favour.
After all, give a child a bag of frozen chips and some turkey twizzlers and they shall eat for a lunchtime, but give them a solid grounding in haute cuisine and they shall marinate, sous-vide and fricasse for a life-time.
And anyway, we fail to see how anyone could criticise the extreme generosity of Chartwells – they’ve already given us a ruddy fortune, just to sit next to Jacob Rees-Mogg during a fish course.

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Posted: Jan 15th, 2021 by

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